Bucks for Bernie: A Tale for 2020

J. Cornwallace, Head F.O.O.L.

Always curious about the possibilities for humanity to transcend the boundaries of rational forms of society, and abandon current functional systems for outdated philosophies of the past perpetually doomed for eventual failure, I decided to give one Bernie Sanders an honest chance this time. While generally skeptical of any candidate who advocates free everything, as one should be, I made it a point to seek out his website and view his platform. Immediately, one slight problem presented itself; there was no damn platform on his website. Being familiar with Bernie’s small donation, no big money, self-funded war cries, I was not surprised to see a pop-up asking for cash; however, I did not expect every page of the website to say “we’ve got a yuuuuuge problem” coupled with some jargon about failing education, banks, and pleas for cash. Ok Bernie, what the hell? Tell me you haven’t reprogrammed your website to remove all the content and just ask for money. Well, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt I did a Google for “Bernie Sanders’ platform,” again “we’ve got a yuuuuuge problem.” At this point the irony of the whole thing began to sink in. The socialist pandering for dollars is like something out of a Monty Python sketch. Never mind telling people what you’re about Bernie, people should just trust that you have their interests in mind and throw cash at you; works for the strippers right? Change doesn’t come cheap America, never mind that it’s free to vote, just send cash now. There’s a fire and the only way to put it out is to throw money on it. It’s ok Bernie, you order the most expensive thing on the menu and then stiff me for the bill, here’s all the money in my wallet and a Texas Roadhouse gift card-NOT!! At least Donald Trump sells hats on his website, you just ask for money. How about at least sending me a shirt or something you geriatric Marxist. Maybe this is some type of short-term strategy to build up his war chest. If so, tell people what you’re up to and make your platform available. As opposed to just trying to dupe us into giving our money to nonsense like the old ladies on Dateline fooled by a fake IRS scam.

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